Doctor Visit
My Hcg levels are still falling (which means no D&C at this point). Went from 120s to 82 in a week. My doctor said that I will likely bleed longer because it is dropping so slowly. I graduated to a Lightdays last night, only to require a bigger pad today. No idea why, but it started heavier flows again. Every time I feel like I’m at peace with the miscarriage, I start thinking too much. Mostly probably aggravated from the doctor visit.
Some of my burning questions were answered. I go in weekly from here on out until my hcg level is <5. No appointment, just labs. No ultrasound will be done as long as my hcg level goes down properly, and no medication or surgery will be required if all that happens. I forgot (as it wasn’t a forerunner in my questions) to ask if I could have sex again. Or use tampons (dang it!). However, I asked him how long we needed to avoid pregnancy. He said he suggests waiting until after my next period, but if it happens before that, there is no higher risk of miscarriage. (From my understanding, waiting can help you (or me) identify ovulation, but also, gives science the last memstrual period date so you can have estimated gestational age for next pregnancy).
The stupid part of me (yes, I’m saying that) started asking what went wrong. He told me to stop blaming myself, as I wasn’t drinking, smoking, doing drugs, etc. I did nothing wrong, something went wrong with the baby. I asked if he thought it was chromosomal. He said yes, or a heart defect. Which blows my mind, as we never even saw a gestational sac. He gave suggestions to distract myself from the negative thinking of what went wrong and think of all the positives in my life. I’ve found that the only thing that truly keeps me from thinking about it is being distracted and preoccupied.
I won’t lie in saying I’m ready to stop going for labs. I don’t mind the lab draws. I hate the jealousy I have of all the happy pregnant women at the office. I want that so badly. I have to remind myself I’ve been those women, and to be grateful I have two amazing kids already. I did another walk of shame, eyes full of tears walking out of the office. I’m on my own tonight and today, since my husband’s at work. I almost drove to my parents’ house to get a hug. My mom is a sweetheart and sent me a message of hugs, as she knows me well enough to know I’m likely crying but acting like nothing is wrong.
I can say I will never take for granted a successful pregnancy. I hope and pray I will have another one and have the chance to raise another child. If we ever conceive again, I will need some advice on how to calm nerves and anxiety safely. This experience has given me the proof of why I was so sacred during the other pregnancies, unfortunately.
Tough day. Tomorrow will be better.
Some of my burning questions were answered. I go in weekly from here on out until my hcg level is <5. No appointment, just labs. No ultrasound will be done as long as my hcg level goes down properly, and no medication or surgery will be required if all that happens. I forgot (as it wasn’t a forerunner in my questions) to ask if I could have sex again. Or use tampons (dang it!). However, I asked him how long we needed to avoid pregnancy. He said he suggests waiting until after my next period, but if it happens before that, there is no higher risk of miscarriage. (From my understanding, waiting can help you (or me) identify ovulation, but also, gives science the last memstrual period date so you can have estimated gestational age for next pregnancy).
The stupid part of me (yes, I’m saying that) started asking what went wrong. He told me to stop blaming myself, as I wasn’t drinking, smoking, doing drugs, etc. I did nothing wrong, something went wrong with the baby. I asked if he thought it was chromosomal. He said yes, or a heart defect. Which blows my mind, as we never even saw a gestational sac. He gave suggestions to distract myself from the negative thinking of what went wrong and think of all the positives in my life. I’ve found that the only thing that truly keeps me from thinking about it is being distracted and preoccupied.
I won’t lie in saying I’m ready to stop going for labs. I don’t mind the lab draws. I hate the jealousy I have of all the happy pregnant women at the office. I want that so badly. I have to remind myself I’ve been those women, and to be grateful I have two amazing kids already. I did another walk of shame, eyes full of tears walking out of the office. I’m on my own tonight and today, since my husband’s at work. I almost drove to my parents’ house to get a hug. My mom is a sweetheart and sent me a message of hugs, as she knows me well enough to know I’m likely crying but acting like nothing is wrong.
I can say I will never take for granted a successful pregnancy. I hope and pray I will have another one and have the chance to raise another child. If we ever conceive again, I will need some advice on how to calm nerves and anxiety safely. This experience has given me the proof of why I was so sacred during the other pregnancies, unfortunately.
Tough day. Tomorrow will be better.
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