Life Goes On

During the unknown, the trudges, I prayed for the moment I didn't think about this miscarriage. I'm finally getting there. Eleven days ago, we were told positively that I would miscarry. Eighteen days ago was the first spotting episode. Twenty-six days ago I got my positive pregnancy test. Thirty-one days ago, I didn't start my period. I don't even know where March has gone. Actually, I do. Between initial morning sickness, the stomach flu, and the drawn out questions of miscarriage or no, then the grief, anger, and finally (mostly) acceptance, April is a few days away.

After eighteen days of getting used to the idea of miscarriage and thinking about things nonstop, I find myself actually not all-consumed in miscarriage thoughts. I'm also happy to report that my bleeding has FINALLY slowed down. I'm still too scared to downgrade the pad size, as the bleeding is very sporadic, but we are getting there. Soon I won't have the multiple reminders of miscarriage when I go to the restroom. I'm exercising again and not feeling completely drained (take ferrous sulfate! I didn't...And I really think it's why I feel so tired). As new life springs up around me (hello spring!), I initially hated it. It reminded me of the life that was growing inside of me that no longer is. But the warmth, the beauty of the day, it's helping me now. I can go on walks with the kids, go to the park, sit in the sun and enjoy the warmth. I'm doing the things my doctor told me to do when I start blaming myself. It's working (most of the time).

Life goes on. Spring brings green grass, trees, colorful flowers. Spring brings hope that someday we may have another chance to create another life. I have to keep thinking that. That's how my life goes on right now.

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