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ComMenses

One of my friends’ husbands always said you should say “I’ve commensed” when you say, “I started my period.” A, as my latest grumblings have been about starting, I finally am back to “normal.” I’m on day 2, and, from reading what to expect with the first cycle after miscarriage, I knew it’d be really heavy, light, or normal, because it seems everything miscarriage-related is. (I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out. Of course it depends on the person! How many of us have the exact same hormone levels?!) So, my experience thus far? Very, very heavy. Like this morning seemed like miscarriage heavy and cramping and all. As annoying as it is, I’m very happy with this step in the process. My body is recognizing what is going on, and giving me a chance to be pregnant again (read, ovulate!). What will I do differently this time? I am getting back to the NFP days, but reading a book as a refresher (Take Charge of Your Fertility.) I am enjoying getting back to the basics
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Finally at Zero

I couldn’t wait any longer. Got my hcg level. I’m at zero. Now waiting for the rest of my hormones to figure out what’s going on. Each time I say, “If this happens or stops happening, I’ll feel like I can finally move on,” I make a lot out of myself. Now, I am saying, “Once I start my period, I can finally move on.” In the past, that’s been about bleeding, spotting, pregnancy symptoms, hcg level, etc. Who knew how many bumps you hit throughout a miscarriage that feel like a finale until you hit it, then realize there’s another one coming?! I have a secret. I’m dumb, and somehow convinced myself there was a chance that my hcg level would come back and it’d be so high it would indicate I was pregnant again. I mean, I have intermittent nausea, tingly breasts, lower abdominal cramping (which is actually concerning me right now), so why wouldn’t it be super high positive. Do yourselves a favor and don’t be like me. I’m emotional, and I have no idea if it’s hormones, stress, feeling my
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Another Announcement

My husband has a friend. Said friend confided in him that they were going through a miscarriage last December. As time went on, we experienced the same in March. Said friend told him today they are pregnant and got to hear a heartbeat today. As happy as I am for them, I want to break down and sob. For two reasons: one, they are having a baby after miscarriage. Two: they are having a baby and I’m not. The miscarriage thoughts have been consuming me, as well as the TTC thoughts as well. I’m just sitting here, waiting for ANY signal that I can even reproduce again. I have never yearned for a period so hard. Yet, some people (not a credible source, but on multiple google searches) say you have to have 20 days of no bleeding in between miscarriage and period in order for bleeding to be considered a period and not more miscarriage. So I have eight more days, according to that information, that I should be blood-free. I’m sick of waiting. I want a successful pregnancy and baby so much
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Eggs

I don’t know what stage of my cycle I’m in. I mean, obviously I’m not menstruating, but that’s about all I know right now for sure. But, I might have the attitude of someone PMSing. With that in mind, I cried about an egg yolk breaking while I was attempting an over easy egg this morning. Why? My mind went from egg yolk breaking to miscarriage in 0.2 seconds. I literally, somehow, compared a broken egg yolk to my miscarriage. I mean, I understand my brain’s logic, but I don’t think about my miscarriage ALL the time anymore. I get reprieve or am too distracted by other things in my life going on to think about it 24/7 (thankfully). But seriously, can’t even believe that was my trigger today. No news otherwise. I’ve declared my bleeding is officially finished, as it has been an entire week since I’ve spotted or bled at all. So, here’s my overall experience: Spotting before miscarriage: on and off for 8 days Miscarriage bleeding: 24 days, the heaviest being the first 6 days Crampi
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Hormones

Throughout this process, especially initially, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I had to recognize some of these emotions were triggered by the hormonal rollercoaster resulting from the miscarriage. I had to remind myself that postpartum depression probably could happen after a miscarriage. Since I suffered from PPD after my first, I self-reflected often. I spoke and showed my feelings. I didn't hide things I was thinking. I did that with my PPD. It made it so much worse. My husband is such a huge support. He saw the depression after my first. It took me eight months to truly recognize how bad it was. With the loss of pregnancy, I was very fearful the depression would come back.  I have good news. It's been 25 days since the actual miscarriage began (not the spotting, but the true bleeding). I think my hormones are cyclic again. I stopped spotting (again!) two days ago. The last time this happened, I had a two day break and was back to spotting. This time feels different.
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It’s Been A Month

I started spotting one month ago, my first sign of impending miscarriage. So much has happened, yet nothing has changed. I still do all the normal stuff. It’s like I was never pregnant (besides the reminder of spotting all day every day). I have no real update, as nothing has changed from my last update. Instead, I have questions and thoughts. I keep thinking about what will be different for our next pregnancy, things I should change to decrease the risk (which also means I’m failing on the whole “not my fault” thing). So, I really wonder, next time, do I change my exercising? I never exercised intensely with my previous successful pregnancies. With my miscarriage, I went 3 days a week, and only slowed on the running but kept with everything else. Did the lack of resting during the day impact the pregnancy? I think I’m only going to walk if I do even go to the Y with the next pregnancy. As I go during my lunch break, I literally stand on my feet 9 hours straight if I don’t rest dur
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Why body? Why?!

So I stopped spotting, bleeding, etc. on Tuesday. Or so I thought. Started spotting again yesterday (Friday). Today, spotting, but heavier, with some clots thrown in. Cramping is more severe. I was ecstatic to not have the constant reminder of miscarriage, but here we are again. I have no clue what is going on, if it's "normal", if I should call the doctor (I might, depending on what's going on on Monday). I asked my fellow pharmer moms on a Facebook group. Responses varied on the duration of bleeding, severity, etc. Some also said they ended up needing a D&C because the bleeding lasted so long. I wish all of this was more predictable, more standard, more teachable. I hate that my doctor didn't give me information regarding some of this, but as I go through it, I'm starting to realize it probably is very individualized in what exactly happens. As people say no pregnancy is the same, the pharm moms are saying no miscarriage is the same (even the same pe
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