Kmac Mom Life

During the unknown, the trudges, I prayed for the moment I didn't think about this miscarriage. I'm finally getting there. Eleven days ago, we were told positively that I would miscarry. Eighteen days ago was the first spotting episode. Twenty-six days ago I got my positive pregnancy test. Thirty-one days ago, I didn't start my period. I don't even know where March has gone. Actually, I do. Between initial morning sickness, the stomach flu, and the drawn out questions of miscarriage or no, then the grief, anger, and finally (mostly) acceptance, April is a few days away. After eighteen days of getting used to the idea of miscarriage and thinking about things nonstop, I find myself actually not all-consumed in miscarriage thoughts. I'm also happy to report that my bleeding has FINALLY slowed down. I'm still too scared to downgrade the pad size, as the bleeding is very sporadic, but we are getting there. Soon I won't have the multiple reminders of miscarriage...

My Hcg levels are still falling (which means no D&C at this point). Went from 120s to 82 in a week. My doctor said that I will likely bleed longer because it is dropping so slowly. I graduated to a Lightdays last night, only to require a bigger pad today. No idea why, but it started heavier flows again. Every time I feel like I’m at peace with the miscarriage, I start thinking too much. Mostly probably aggravated from the doctor visit. Some of my burning questions were answered. I go in weekly from here on out until my hcg level is <5. No appointment, just labs. No ultrasound will be done as long as my hcg level goes down properly, and no medication or surgery will be required if all that happens. I forgot (as it wasn’t a forerunner in my questions) to ask if I could have sex again. Or use tampons (dang it!). However, I asked him how long we needed to avoid pregnancy. He said he suggests waiting until after my next period, but if it happens before that, there is no higher risk...

I’m five days into what I refer to as “the expulsion.” I am not sure what to call the massive amount of bleeding that occurs during a miscarriage. I was so ready to get on here and brag that I was no longer using a diaper pad. But the light days pad lasted a shorter time than it took to vacuum the upstairs of my house. I really thought it was slowing down. I hadn’t had huge issues all day. Dare I say, I was really only spotting. So Lightdays pad, here I come. False. So very false. I’m ready for this stage of miscarriage to be over. I think I’m getting over that hump of thoughts of the miscarriage constantly on my mind. Unfortunately, this bleeding reminder brings my thoughts back to the situation. I’m looking forward to Tuesday, when I will discuss some of those questions that have been burning in my mind. On another note, I finally told my mom. She said exactly what I thought she would say. But it really helped to tel someone who has been through it before. But, since she raised me,...

On Tuesday (the day after my “official” miscarriage news), I went to work. I’m the middle of a morning huddle meeting, I felt it. I’d been cramping all morning, and blew it off as from the vaginal ultrasound the day before. But that squish in my pants I could not deny. O ran to the bathroom, interrupting the meeting, knowing I’d be in trouble if I didn’t get the giant pad on ASAP. (I still haven’t asked my doctor, but online advised against tampons, so I went for diaper size pads instead.) my miscarriage had officially begun? Or started to end? Still confused on terminology. Sadly, I was happy when it began. This means I *hopefully* avoid a D&C. And I don’t have to take any medication to get everything to pass. So yes, I’m happy. Something in this process has to be “good.” So I started expelling everything. And it was like my doctor said it would be - a heavy period. I didn’t ask him about the pain level. I will say, my cramping was more severe than my normal menstrual cramping...

1) What kind of bleeding should I expect? 2) How much blood is too much? (Or, when would I need to be seen if I do lose too much?) 3) Will it be painful? 4) How painful? Will it be like menstrual cramps? Or Braxton-Hicks contraction discomfort? Or even contractions? 5) When is a “miscarriage” over? 6) How often do I have to follow-up and when will the appointments no longer be necessary? 7) How often will I have to get follow-up hcg levels? When do I get to stop them? 8) Can I wear tampons when I’m miscarrying? (Most online resources say no, but I didn’t ask my doctor, and he didn’t volunteer that information.) 9) When can I have sex again? (Goes along with question above and risk for infection for anything inserted vaginally.) 10) If we try to get pregnant again, when can we start trying? 11) Is there anything that could have prevented this miscarriage? 12) Are there certain things I should do differently if there is a next time? 13) Did my IUD ruin my uterus?! 14) Did we...

At what point do you say miscarriage has occurred? Is it when the heart stops beating? Is it when you’ve expelled the pregnancy (for lack of better words)? I feel as though I’ve been (in present tense) miscarrying since last Monday, when I first started spotting, a very long eleven days. I am not entirely sure how to even define what I’m going through. I went from, “I think I’m miscarrying,” to “I will miscarry,” to “I am miscarrying.” At what point does it become past tense? Based off of physical signs? Based off labs? When will it be over? I never got to see a heart beating. I don’t think we even made it to that point. So is it a “chemical pregnancy?” I’d like to say no. I had pregnancy symptoms. I had evidence of pregnancy on the ultrasound. My hcg levels showed pregnancy. I’m in healthcare. Definitions of what I have and am and will experience seem so important to me. It’s how I think I’ll make sense of everything. I recognize that healthcare (as a whole) doesn’t always have an...

March 18: It's finally Monday, the day we will see my doctor. My husband goes with me, as we realize it will likely not be great news. He knows I'll need the support. We are in the ultrasound room. My doctor (finally) enters the room, 45 minutes after we were brought back there. I'm okay with that. He takes his time with his patients, and I really appreciate that when I'm the patient that needs the time. He says he actually won't say I'm miscarrying yet. He says my labs went up "appropriately," stating it had to go up 1.67% from the last lab, not double as the other doctor had stated. I have this odd feeling of hope, although he sees my doubtful face and says, "I can tell you disagree." He asks how the bleeding has gone (spotting about every other morning) and if I'm cramping (yes, but not terribly, just a dull pain on lower front abdomen and lower back sometimes). He asks if I feel pregnant. (Breast tenderness went away the first day I s...

March 11: I have the stomach flu and can’t sleep because my stomach just won’t stop churning. I go to the bathroom at 1:30am. I wipe. Bright. Red. Blood. I finally get full on sick, crawl back into bed, and whisper to my husband, “I think I’m going to miscarry.” He hugs me, asks why. I tel him I saw blood. I wake up to go to work that day (because I don’t call in sick!). I’m still spotting, but also still feel awful.  I text my boss to tell her what’s going on. She says to stay home because she doesn’t want it. I get dressed to go to work. Give up the work idea as it takes me twice as long to get the kids ready for daycare (lots of bathroom runs). Take a trash can in the car in case I have to puke. My three and a half year old starts singing, “Mommy has to throw up. Ding ding dong. Ding dong.”  I get very special.  I called my OBGYN’s office and tell them about the spotting. They tell me that it’s likely implantation bleeding but I can come in for an hcg level if I’m r...

March 3: There it was. The faintest line on the pregnancy test. But why did it take so long to get? I expected it an entire week earlier. My best friend from college was there to see it, to look at it as my second pair of eyes. She saw it, too. But I bought more tests, and took another one two days later. (Hcg levels double every 2 to 3 days, so the next one would be more obvious!) Well...it was faint, too. And I sent a picture to my friend, and she voiced her concern about it being so light still. I confirmed I thought it was weird, but, yay! Our journey to another baby has begun. (Disclaimer: from all I could research online, people say the lines are darker the more hcg you have.  My doctor’s office says a positive is a positive, no matter how dark that line is.)