Kmac Mom Life

One of my friends’ husbands always said you should say “I’ve commensed” when you say, “I started my period.” A, as my latest grumblings have been about starting, I finally am back to “normal.” I’m on day 2, and, from reading what to expect with the first cycle after miscarriage, I knew it’d be really heavy, light, or normal, because it seems everything miscarriage-related is. (I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out. Of course it depends on the person! How many of us have the exact same hormone levels?!) So, my experience thus far? Very, very heavy. Like this morning seemed like miscarriage heavy and cramping and all. As annoying as it is, I’m very happy with this step in the process. My body is recognizing what is going on, and giving me a chance to be pregnant again (read, ovulate!). What will I do differently this time? I am getting back to the NFP days, but reading a book as a refresher (Take Charge of Your Fertility.) I am enjoying getting back to the basics...

I couldn’t wait any longer. Got my hcg level. I’m at zero. Now waiting for the rest of my hormones to figure out what’s going on. Each time I say, “If this happens or stops happening, I’ll feel like I can finally move on,” I make a lot out of myself. Now, I am saying, “Once I start my period, I can finally move on.” In the past, that’s been about bleeding, spotting, pregnancy symptoms, hcg level, etc. Who knew how many bumps you hit throughout a miscarriage that feel like a finale until you hit it, then realize there’s another one coming?! I have a secret. I’m dumb, and somehow convinced myself there was a chance that my hcg level would come back and it’d be so high it would indicate I was pregnant again. I mean, I have intermittent nausea, tingly breasts, lower abdominal cramping (which is actually concerning me right now), so why wouldn’t it be super high positive. Do yourselves a favor and don’t be like me. I’m emotional, and I have no idea if it’s hormones, stress, feeling my...

My husband has a friend. Said friend confided in him that they were going through a miscarriage last December. As time went on, we experienced the same in March. Said friend told him today they are pregnant and got to hear a heartbeat today. As happy as I am for them, I want to break down and sob. For two reasons: one, they are having a baby after miscarriage. Two: they are having a baby and I’m not. The miscarriage thoughts have been consuming me, as well as the TTC thoughts as well. I’m just sitting here, waiting for ANY signal that I can even reproduce again. I have never yearned for a period so hard. Yet, some people (not a credible source, but on multiple google searches) say you have to have 20 days of no bleeding in between miscarriage and period in order for bleeding to be considered a period and not more miscarriage. So I have eight more days, according to that information, that I should be blood-free. I’m sick of waiting. I want a successful pregnancy and baby so much...

I don’t know what stage of my cycle I’m in. I mean, obviously I’m not menstruating, but that’s about all I know right now for sure. But, I might have the attitude of someone PMSing. With that in mind, I cried about an egg yolk breaking while I was attempting an over easy egg this morning. Why? My mind went from egg yolk breaking to miscarriage in 0.2 seconds. I literally, somehow, compared a broken egg yolk to my miscarriage. I mean, I understand my brain’s logic, but I don’t think about my miscarriage ALL the time anymore. I get reprieve or am too distracted by other things in my life going on to think about it 24/7 (thankfully). But seriously, can’t even believe that was my trigger today. No news otherwise. I’ve declared my bleeding is officially finished, as it has been an entire week since I’ve spotted or bled at all. So, here’s my overall experience: Spotting before miscarriage: on and off for 8 days Miscarriage bleeding: 24 days, the heaviest being the first 6 days Crampi...

Throughout this process, especially initially, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I had to recognize some of these emotions were triggered by the hormonal rollercoaster resulting from the miscarriage. I had to remind myself that postpartum depression probably could happen after a miscarriage. Since I suffered from PPD after my first, I self-reflected often. I spoke and showed my feelings. I didn't hide things I was thinking. I did that with my PPD. It made it so much worse. My husband is such a huge support. He saw the depression after my first. It took me eight months to truly recognize how bad it was. With the loss of pregnancy, I was very fearful the depression would come back.  I have good news. It's been 25 days since the actual miscarriage began (not the spotting, but the true bleeding). I think my hormones are cyclic again. I stopped spotting (again!) two days ago. The last time this happened, I had a two day break and was back to spotting. This time feels different....

I started spotting one month ago, my first sign of impending miscarriage. So much has happened, yet nothing has changed. I still do all the normal stuff. It’s like I was never pregnant (besides the reminder of spotting all day every day). I have no real update, as nothing has changed from my last update. Instead, I have questions and thoughts. I keep thinking about what will be different for our next pregnancy, things I should change to decrease the risk (which also means I’m failing on the whole “not my fault” thing). So, I really wonder, next time, do I change my exercising? I never exercised intensely with my previous successful pregnancies. With my miscarriage, I went 3 days a week, and only slowed on the running but kept with everything else. Did the lack of resting during the day impact the pregnancy? I think I’m only going to walk if I do even go to the Y with the next pregnancy. As I go during my lunch break, I literally stand on my feet 9 hours straight if I don’t rest dur...

So I stopped spotting, bleeding, etc. on Tuesday. Or so I thought. Started spotting again yesterday (Friday). Today, spotting, but heavier, with some clots thrown in. Cramping is more severe. I was ecstatic to not have the constant reminder of miscarriage, but here we are again. I have no clue what is going on, if it's "normal", if I should call the doctor (I might, depending on what's going on on Monday). I asked my fellow pharmer moms on a Facebook group. Responses varied on the duration of bleeding, severity, etc. Some also said they ended up needing a D&C because the bleeding lasted so long. I wish all of this was more predictable, more standard, more teachable. I hate that my doctor didn't give me information regarding some of this, but as I go through it, I'm starting to realize it probably is very individualized in what exactly happens. As people say no pregnancy is the same, the pharm moms are saying no miscarriage is the same (even the same pe...

After people die, you have a year of firsts. After a miscarriage, I think I'm going to feel the same way. Today is my first first. I would have been on my way to my first doctor appointment, had I not had the miscarriage. It would have been the first sonogram, the first heartbeat we would hear. Instead, I'm sitting with my 3.5 year old, resting while the 2 year old tries not to nap. (Parenthood at its finest!) I've been busy today with appointments all morning. Yet, this appointment was supposed to be the last one of the day on my day off of work. And I can't not think about it. My mom text me this morning to see how I was doing. She instinctively somehow knew I needed that today. She had no idea this was the day we were supposed to have our first appointment, and somehow knew she needed to reach out to me, tell me she was thinking and praying for us. I also heard back from my blood draw yesterday. Down to 25! I have to go in in two to three weeks for what should ...

I am happy to report I think I am finally done either bleeding and any spotting! Today is the first day I have had no evidence reminding me of miscarriage when I use the restroom. The expulsion started two weeks ago on Tuesday. So the estimated seven to ten days I read on the internet lasted a little longer for me. And I was only 6 weeks pregnant when the spotting began. On another note, went to the doctor for another blood draw. I think the professionals at the office think I’m unaffected by this. I’ve chatted with the phlebotomists like I’m not going through a miscarriage, talking about the progress of my count going down, joking about when my last weekly visit to them will be. But it’s a reminder of what I’m going through for every blood draw I get. I’m ready for them to be over. Partly because I’m ready to not have that weekly reminder, but also because that means my cycle is reset, and we can try to conceive again. That next step is going to be hard. The worry that if we conce...

During the unknown, the trudges, I prayed for the moment I didn't think about this miscarriage. I'm finally getting there. Eleven days ago, we were told positively that I would miscarry. Eighteen days ago was the first spotting episode. Twenty-six days ago I got my positive pregnancy test. Thirty-one days ago, I didn't start my period. I don't even know where March has gone. Actually, I do. Between initial morning sickness, the stomach flu, and the drawn out questions of miscarriage or no, then the grief, anger, and finally (mostly) acceptance, April is a few days away. After eighteen days of getting used to the idea of miscarriage and thinking about things nonstop, I find myself actually not all-consumed in miscarriage thoughts. I'm also happy to report that my bleeding has FINALLY slowed down. I'm still too scared to downgrade the pad size, as the bleeding is very sporadic, but we are getting there. Soon I won't have the multiple reminders of miscarriage...

My Hcg levels are still falling (which means no D&C at this point). Went from 120s to 82 in a week. My doctor said that I will likely bleed longer because it is dropping so slowly. I graduated to a Lightdays last night, only to require a bigger pad today. No idea why, but it started heavier flows again. Every time I feel like I’m at peace with the miscarriage, I start thinking too much. Mostly probably aggravated from the doctor visit. Some of my burning questions were answered. I go in weekly from here on out until my hcg level is <5. No appointment, just labs. No ultrasound will be done as long as my hcg level goes down properly, and no medication or surgery will be required if all that happens. I forgot (as it wasn’t a forerunner in my questions) to ask if I could have sex again. Or use tampons (dang it!). However, I asked him how long we needed to avoid pregnancy. He said he suggests waiting until after my next period, but if it happens before that, there is no higher risk...

I’m five days into what I refer to as “the expulsion.” I am not sure what to call the massive amount of bleeding that occurs during a miscarriage. I was so ready to get on here and brag that I was no longer using a diaper pad. But the light days pad lasted a shorter time than it took to vacuum the upstairs of my house. I really thought it was slowing down. I hadn’t had huge issues all day. Dare I say, I was really only spotting. So Lightdays pad, here I come. False. So very false. I’m ready for this stage of miscarriage to be over. I think I’m getting over that hump of thoughts of the miscarriage constantly on my mind. Unfortunately, this bleeding reminder brings my thoughts back to the situation. I’m looking forward to Tuesday, when I will discuss some of those questions that have been burning in my mind. On another note, I finally told my mom. She said exactly what I thought she would say. But it really helped to tel someone who has been through it before. But, since she raised me,...

On Tuesday (the day after my “official” miscarriage news), I went to work. I’m the middle of a morning huddle meeting, I felt it. I’d been cramping all morning, and blew it off as from the vaginal ultrasound the day before. But that squish in my pants I could not deny. O ran to the bathroom, interrupting the meeting, knowing I’d be in trouble if I didn’t get the giant pad on ASAP. (I still haven’t asked my doctor, but online advised against tampons, so I went for diaper size pads instead.) my miscarriage had officially begun? Or started to end? Still confused on terminology. Sadly, I was happy when it began. This means I *hopefully* avoid a D&C. And I don’t have to take any medication to get everything to pass. So yes, I’m happy. Something in this process has to be “good.” So I started expelling everything. And it was like my doctor said it would be - a heavy period. I didn’t ask him about the pain level. I will say, my cramping was more severe than my normal menstrual cramping...

1) What kind of bleeding should I expect? 2) How much blood is too much? (Or, when would I need to be seen if I do lose too much?) 3) Will it be painful? 4) How painful? Will it be like menstrual cramps? Or Braxton-Hicks contraction discomfort? Or even contractions? 5) When is a “miscarriage” over? 6) How often do I have to follow-up and when will the appointments no longer be necessary? 7) How often will I have to get follow-up hcg levels? When do I get to stop them? 8) Can I wear tampons when I’m miscarrying? (Most online resources say no, but I didn’t ask my doctor, and he didn’t volunteer that information.) 9) When can I have sex again? (Goes along with question above and risk for infection for anything inserted vaginally.) 10) If we try to get pregnant again, when can we start trying? 11) Is there anything that could have prevented this miscarriage? 12) Are there certain things I should do differently if there is a next time? 13) Did my IUD ruin my uterus?! 14) Did we...

At what point do you say miscarriage has occurred? Is it when the heart stops beating? Is it when you’ve expelled the pregnancy (for lack of better words)? I feel as though I’ve been (in present tense) miscarrying since last Monday, when I first started spotting, a very long eleven days. I am not entirely sure how to even define what I’m going through. I went from, “I think I’m miscarrying,” to “I will miscarry,” to “I am miscarrying.” At what point does it become past tense? Based off of physical signs? Based off labs? When will it be over? I never got to see a heart beating. I don’t think we even made it to that point. So is it a “chemical pregnancy?” I’d like to say no. I had pregnancy symptoms. I had evidence of pregnancy on the ultrasound. My hcg levels showed pregnancy. I’m in healthcare. Definitions of what I have and am and will experience seem so important to me. It’s how I think I’ll make sense of everything. I recognize that healthcare (as a whole) doesn’t always have an...

March 18: It's finally Monday, the day we will see my doctor. My husband goes with me, as we realize it will likely not be great news. He knows I'll need the support. We are in the ultrasound room. My doctor (finally) enters the room, 45 minutes after we were brought back there. I'm okay with that. He takes his time with his patients, and I really appreciate that when I'm the patient that needs the time. He says he actually won't say I'm miscarrying yet. He says my labs went up "appropriately," stating it had to go up 1.67% from the last lab, not double as the other doctor had stated. I have this odd feeling of hope, although he sees my doubtful face and says, "I can tell you disagree." He asks how the bleeding has gone (spotting about every other morning) and if I'm cramping (yes, but not terribly, just a dull pain on lower front abdomen and lower back sometimes). He asks if I feel pregnant. (Breast tenderness went away the first day I s...

March 11: I have the stomach flu and can’t sleep because my stomach just won’t stop churning. I go to the bathroom at 1:30am. I wipe. Bright. Red. Blood. I finally get full on sick, crawl back into bed, and whisper to my husband, “I think I’m going to miscarry.” He hugs me, asks why. I tel him I saw blood. I wake up to go to work that day (because I don’t call in sick!). I’m still spotting, but also still feel awful.  I text my boss to tell her what’s going on. She says to stay home because she doesn’t want it. I get dressed to go to work. Give up the work idea as it takes me twice as long to get the kids ready for daycare (lots of bathroom runs). Take a trash can in the car in case I have to puke. My three and a half year old starts singing, “Mommy has to throw up. Ding ding dong. Ding dong.”  I get very special.  I called my OBGYN’s office and tell them about the spotting. They tell me that it’s likely implantation bleeding but I can come in for an hcg level if I’m r...

March 3: There it was. The faintest line on the pregnancy test. But why did it take so long to get? I expected it an entire week earlier. My best friend from college was there to see it, to look at it as my second pair of eyes. She saw it, too. But I bought more tests, and took another one two days later. (Hcg levels double every 2 to 3 days, so the next one would be more obvious!) Well...it was faint, too. And I sent a picture to my friend, and she voiced her concern about it being so light still. I confirmed I thought it was weird, but, yay! Our journey to another baby has begun. (Disclaimer: from all I could research online, people say the lines are darker the more hcg you have.  My doctor’s office says a positive is a positive, no matter how dark that line is.)